But I didn't. I never as a kid dreamt about being an artist. I used to do 'chemistry' research as playtime in childhood. I loved to write. I wrote novels. I loved to draw, but I wasn't particularly good at it.
I used to dream of becoming an artist. A musician. I used to daydream about being a pianist, a violinist, and a surgeon.
I played instruments as a kid but wasn't particularly good at that either.
I achieved being a surgeon. I operated, I saved lives. And I lost lives. My career wasn't anything it was in my daydreaming. It was hard, tiring, vulnerable. I was dead tired most of the time. I never saw my husband. I used to sleep in the hospital for days because I was always working or on call, and I found the 1 hr commute too tiring. I laugh at this now, but at that time it was real.
I worked while being close to developing an anaphylactic shock. My MD thought it was due to me having no skin on my arms due to the alcoholic solutions we used to scrub in 10000 times a day and developing a reaction to these solutions. Whatever. It was a shock. Almost literally, but for my mind, at least. I continued with my shift, because I had to, with iv in my arm, when I was able to continue. I treated patients with iv in my arm. Thankfully no surgeries that Sunday.
Then myscoliosis got worse. To the point, that my neck pain became intolerable.
My arm went numb. Tests after tests. No surgery was necessary yet. But a lot of taking care of myself.
And I do know. I am much more mindful of my time.
This is not one of those stories, about people, who went through burnout, and came back with a different life path (well, the different life path is true), and completely different life. It is not. I am a work in progress. But I feel much more present and happy most of the time. I have not felt burnt out since then, I am much more balanced.
Art was a contributing factor. Chasing the dreams that changed during the last few years was also.
This is not a story that wants to necessary inspire others. This is just to say it is ok if things happen, due to these things dreams might change. Life and a career in medicine are not and should not be linear. That will just lead to living a life in which you never took the time to acknowledge if your wishes are aligned with your wishes from 10-20 years ago. Where will that leave you?